This is the second post in a series called “Where the Wild Things Are”. You can read the first post here.
Sometimes our own words or actions can make behavior worse. Have you ever tried resolving a situation with a child and only made it worse? You tell a child to stop coloring on the table and so he turns and colors on his neighbor? You pull a child away from kicking another child and she kicks you in the shin?
If you mix the wrong child and the wrong situation and add in your wrong words or actions, you have a recipe for disaster. Here are some things NOT to say and do when dealing with kids’ behavior:
- Do NOT get in a power struggle – You’ve seen this…
Adult: ”Tommy, you need to put that paper in the garbage can.”
Tommy: ”No.”
Adult: ”Yes, Tommy, and do it now.”
Tommy: ”You can’t make me.”
Adult: ”I can and I will.”
Tommy: ”My daddy is bigger than you and he wouldn’t make me.”
You get the point! There is no winning here. It only gets uglier. You have to decide quickly if this is a battle truly worth your energy. You can give Tommy a choice of throwing away the paper or not participating in the fun game. You can all of a sudden make it Tommy’s idea or a challenge to throw away the paper. Or you can just let it drop. You aren’t going to teach him any kind of lesson once the power struggle begins.
- Do NOT shame or embarrass a child - No matter how angry or frustrated you get with a child’s behavior, never, ever do or say anything that will embarrass them. Never, ever insult them. Kids have enough people in their lives who make them feel bad about themselves. We need to be champions for these kids’ hearts, even in the ugly times.
- Do NOT make threats you can’t follow up on - This might sound something like: “If you don’t stop playing with the glue, you can’t go out on the playground.” Well, where’s the kid going to go? Are you going to keep all the kids in from the playground? Do you really want to sit with him when he could be running and sliding and not playing with glue. Yes, there must be consequences for bad behavior, but make sure you think before you speak!
- Do NOT make threats and then NOT follow up – Kids are pretty quick. When they realize that you threaten “no special game” because they are rowdy and then they get to play anyway without the behavior changing, you just lost a lot of credibility. They will be even less likely to listen next time.
- Do NOT NOT do anything – Sometimes we are afraid to discipline a kid because a) we aren’t their parents and b) we want them to come back to church. Kids need boundaries and kids want those boundaries to be enforced. That’s how they develop trust. Address misbehavior.
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